she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
