Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
