remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
