My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
