guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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