I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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