anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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