What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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