Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
