I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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