How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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