i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
