I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
