Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
