Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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