My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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