you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
