I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
