now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
