I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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