I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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