drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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