You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
