cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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