I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I pour the whiskey from now on
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
