If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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