I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
