I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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