Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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