im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
