I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
