yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Boobs speak an international language.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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