Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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