I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
