I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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