bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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