He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
