In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
