I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Randomize
