Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
