Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
