im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
