What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
