we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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