Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
