farters have to be the big spoon...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
