I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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