i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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