I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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