first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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